


Colours of Whom

by Butch_THE_DeLorian



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 2P America (Hetalia), 2P America/2P Canada (Hetalia) - Freeform, 2P Canada (Hetalia), 2P England (Hetalia), 2P Hetalia, 2p Canada is Depressed, Allen F Jones (Hetalia), Depression, England Needs Tea (Hetalia), Implied/Referenced Suicide, James Williams (Hetalia) - Freeform, James is depressed, La Despute (Mentioned), Louis Bonnefoy (Hetalia), M/M, Twenty-One Pilots (mentioned), vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 17:47:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15466743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butch_THE_DeLorian/pseuds/Butch_THE_DeLorian
Summary: James was a lot more complicated than he led on, and that was for a veriety of reasons. All of which he doesn't really want anyone to know...But they're still there...Still...There.----FYI: This is kind of dark. Turn away if you aren't prepared for suicidal thoughts and depression.





	Colours of Whom

**Author's Note:**

> This is your last chance to turn back. This is based upon my own experiences with depression and what I'm dealing with right now and it's really dark. I recently had a suicide attempt and this fiction came out of my need to get my emotions out without harming myself, again.

James rubbed his features with a painfully harsh stroke, almost like he was attempting to tear his flesh off with the palm of his hand. The small bruises on his head and red rings around his neck marked his plight like a beacon. Here he was, sitting down with a lump in his throat and nobody to talk to. For all intents and purposes, his lover and his best friend were both ignoring him, his parents were at their 'wits end' and were giving up on him, and his life was spiraling down with a crash.

  
But we're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?

Let's backtrack a few paces in the past.

  
It all started when Louis started having heart issues. He seemed so healthy, almost like a normal guy aside from his usual odd behaviour. But then one day, he just collapsed in the living room holding his chest. So with that in mind, James had to call the ambulance and later watched his father suffer on a hospital bed, with wires sticking out of Louis at all ends of his flesh.

  
Oliver had broken down and cried for the first time in his entire life, which sucked because James usually looked towards him for motherly support whenever his father had something go wrong or was rude to him. Oliver wasn't together with Louis, per say, their relationship was defined as a very loose item...they definately weren't entirely exclusive...

  
But they did love each-other in their own, weird ways...

  
Which had, of course, prompted them to get together and bring their sons into the household in an attempt to give them some semblence of a normal childhood. But nothing in their side of the world is normal; this is probably why Oliver took to alchemy and eventually drove himself insane enough to start trying to poison his own family, Louis rarely gave them more than a passing glance unless he wanted to medically experiment on the children, Allen kept getting in trouble with gang activity, and James was left to clean up ALL their messes.

  
But things changed when Louis ended up on the hospital cot. Allen tried cleaning up his act for a while, but medical bills add up pretty fast. Oliver was forced to get a second job, Allen and James were forced to go hungry some nights to compensate, and Louis continued to suffer...everyone expecting him to pass on at a moment's notice.

  
Then...Louis felt more sick, that usual, one day.

  
His hands were shaking so bad he barely could hold them still long enough to take a drink of his hospital-provided water. The doctors claimed he had lost a lot of pottasium and his liver was flushing it out far faster than his body could compensate for it. They started jacking dosages of pottasium and citrates in him in an attempt to get him back towards the normality of 4.0 - but nothing seemed to be working.

  
Finally, they found a solution...a medication called "PhosNak". The stuff seemed to help Louis keep the natural electrolytes he needed. But unfortunately, this made his heart worse. It made it speed up to unnatural rhythms even despite his blood pressure being semi-normal due to the dosages of "Cartia" he was taking.

  
Meanwhile, Allen and James were strangely getting involved on the side of all these events. Perhaps it was just being trapped in tight quarters during stressful events, and needing an outlet that the hospital didn't provide, but they ended up fucking in about every broom closet they could manage to fit into. They decided that they would keep it secret, as they were - by all legal means - adopted brothers, besides the fact that they didn't want to put more duress on their parents in that moment.

  
So Allen and James became somewhat of an exclusive item, but James was a bit possessive and Allen was a bit loose. This combination didn't really work well, and that made James's anxieties go shooting up. Allen was a rolling stone boy with a million numbers blowing up his phone, he didn't tie down very well nor was he very attentive to James. James usually lashed out, partly for those reasons and partly because of the stress of their current pradicament, creating somewhat of a rift that eventually couldn't be solved by mere sex.

  
But before we end the recap, it's also worth mentioning that James's best friend Alfred started getting more and more angry at him over random things. Alfred was yet, another wild type. But something that Alfred had that created such a distance was his defining trait that he was constantly in a mood. If he was happy, he was over joyed, but it was easy to set him off. He was a bit of a hot-head sometimes, and the fact that James wouldn't take his bad-jokes and laugh (anymore) got the blonde so angry that one day he outright ignored James (for a half an hour) before verbally lashing out viciously.

  
It wasn't more than a few days before that Allen and James had fought, too, over Allen's inattentiveness...and things just went bad-

  
James wasn't the suicidal type, usually, but all the stress had just gotten to him this time. It was only a rope away before the long haired blonde tried hanging himself, and if it wasn't for their cousin, Matthew, catching him in the act he wouldn't have survived.

  
After the suicide attempt, he wasn't allowed alone that night even to just sleep without Matthew worrying over him...

  
Which, of course, didn't really help his mental stasus due to naturally being inclined towards solitude. When Allen found out, he was furious. Allen actually threatened to break up with him over it, which didn't help James's situation either. After a long conversation James managed to talk Allen down, but that didn't change the fact that the damage was done. There wasn't just an irreplacable rift, now, it was a giant grand canyon that caused Allen to only talk to him maybe once in a few days. Beyond that, Allen completely could-shouldered James. This caused the canadian to think that maybe he needed time, but it didn't change his anxiety on the matter.

  
Now, here he was, Benadryll running through his system and hand roughly trying to pull skin straight off his skull. "...god damn." He told himself in the dark.

  
If you were wondering if there was a happy ending to this story, then you'll be sorrowfully dissapointed. Because, even though James wasn't about to take his life, there was no happiness left in the harrowed male. If it weren't for Allen, he might have harmed himself, but as it was he didn't want to risk losing him. That didn't mean that listening to "Fairly Local" by twenty-one pilots and "Fall Down Never Get Back Up" by La Despute wasn't his norm, right now.

  
He'd never been this down in his life, James noted as he slumped further on the chesterfeild next tot he hospital cot. Looking across the room to where his father was soundly sleeping, hooked up to a heart monitor and a fusion machine, the male noted that at any moment this image could be the last he sees of his father. "Oh perre..." The french-canadian whispered, eyes threatening small clouds. He refused their company however, blinking them back into the oblivion from which they came.

  
James looked down at the blank page on his lap, pencil still laced within his fingers. Oliver had placed the paper there and put a pencil in his hands, asking him politely to entertain himself whilst he took Allen out to get some groceries. But this was a lie, really what this meant was 'keep your thumbs busy whilst I give attention to my favourite kid, would you?'.

Oliver was just too polite to admit it, but James had a feeling that Allen was by far his favourite child.

  
His mother had never cared about him, and now that he'd been given the chance to have a motherly figure he couldn't make him care as much as the other kid either. He felt very isolated, in that moment, eyes glancing over towards his phone in the dim hope that perhaps Allen was going to (at least) text him whilst they were out. But Allen wouldn't, even if he wasn't spending time with Oliver, he wouldn't...

  
James felt untouched, lonely, mistreated in that moment, shoulders lulling into an emotionally devistated posture. He'd always wanted to be alone, but in an ironic twist when he finally got that wish he wanted nothing more than to have the opposite side to his coin.

It was a long few minutes in which the heart-monitor continued to alert him of his father's heart beats before James put the pencil to paper. Normally he would just draw something out, but after a few moments of chicken scratches that amounted to nothing but clumpy nothingness he somehow found himself writing words, instead.  
The whole thing transformed into something James would have previously, in time, laughed at and called 'Emo'.

  
White walls, white beds.  
White words in my head.  
Dead faces, dead postures.  
Dead bodies made of wires.  
Who am I? Who are you?  
Who can I turn to?

  
In a surprising twist, he didn't crumple up his mess of emotions (on paper), rather he just kept writing what he would later call "Colours of Whom", eyes laxed in their typical sleepless position.

  
Black stain, black hall.  
Black life made so null.  
Live mire, livewires.  
Live heart gone haywire.  
Who am I? Who are you?  
Who can I turn to?

  
And yet again, he found himself unable to pause. Within mayhaps three minutes, tops, he found his eyes clouded with emotion and pencil scribbling desperately across the page like his life depended on it - words stretching onto the page as if he was using a quill with his own blood at the tip.

  
Silver streaks, Silver peaks.  
Silver shadows in botiques.  
Undeath, Unbourn.  
Under stress in a storm.  
Who am I? Who are you?  
Who can I turn to?

  
James dropped the pencil and hunched over, unable to think anymore as his mind clouded with the aforementioned streaks down his cheeks. He felt so tired, so beat down by the world and the plots against him, he felt so sick of living, he felt so hollow at his lover's actions, he missed his friend, and mostly - he wanted his father back. Even if Louis never gave him much attention, he still loved his father more than his few words could express...

  
He felt like he was losing himself in a maelstrom he couldn't possibly comprehend.

  
It took him going into the washroom and splashing water on his face before he heard a door open and close in the room outside. It was either Oliver and Allen coming back, or it was the nurse come to check up on his father...

  
A boisterous baratone told him it was Allen, and so he dried off his face with a towel and reached for the glass frames he always bore. Pushing them firmly up on his nose he cleared his throat and went out into the hospital room.

  
"Hey buttmunch." Allen sniggered, kicked back like a lion over the edge of the chesterfeild. James knew that Allen was only giving him this to keep up a show in front of Oliver, a front that was inpenitrable. That way the male wouldn't pry into why they weren't currently getting along, when in fact they almost always got along like peanut butter and jelly, even before they were secretly dating and had a devide formed between them due to James's suicide attempt.

  
"Pig humper." James returned, making sure to keep his voice steady. Because he wasn't about to let them know...

  
Oliver sat next to the paper James had placed down. Neither of them seemed to have noticed it, so James walked over to take it back. The pinkett seemed like he was going to object and ask to see it, but James turned away and premptively interupted, idly; "I'm headed down to get some snacks."

  
"Oh dude - fuck yes. I'm starved. Get me some tofudogs from the deli, would ya, maplelicker?"

  
James sighed, Allen having just given away the fact that they weren't out going to the grocery store. Because Allen would have eaten half the vegitables (on the way back) already, had they done so. "Sure." Was all he said, not even bothering with a friendly insult. He started out, door making a soft thump behind him when he closed it.

Nobody could know.

Who could he turn to, after all?

  
His best friend hated him, right now, and his boyfriend was all-but-done with him....

Nobody could know how badly he hurt...

  
Nobody.

  
Afterall...he was supposed to be the staunch, tough guy, right?

  
Right?


End file.
